goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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