How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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