what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
