I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
