Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
