the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
