My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
