She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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