He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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