I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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