You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
