so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
