you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
