12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
