Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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