I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
They are going to name an STD after you.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
