Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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