Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize