I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
