Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he was CRYING into my vagina
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
