FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize