What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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