saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
