the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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