margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
