I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
you had me at cake vodka
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
