at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
