I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
