i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
