And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
