You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
