How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
