did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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