Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
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But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
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Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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