So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
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Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
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I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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