Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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