What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.