Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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