the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
