um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
