I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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