I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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