Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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