i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
