i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
