i think my mom watched the whole time
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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