i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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