I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dignity is for republicans.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think I just sharted jello shots
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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