My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
