i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
