The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
