So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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